Dear Ohana,
I've been in and out of this page, more lurking that anything. I missed the fact that Santa had moved stateside. I thought the talk about Texas was another get together. That's how much I've been unplugged.

There aren't many places I feel free to share things. This has been a safe venue. I admittedly felt some frustration after the FL get together, after I discovered that a dear person was banned from Locals, accused of taking part of whatever the issues were there, yet not being a part of it at all. She and her husband are walking a deep struggle right now with his diagnosis of brain cancer. I hope that people will pray for them. He's had several setbacks and looks drawn and weak. If ever a med bed could be used right now, it would be welcomed in their lives.

Things feel strange since Trump's return. There is still a lot of malice out there; it is evident in posts that I come across. I don't feel connected with the things he is doing, probably because I have not immersed myself in them. I don't agree with the appointment of Robert Kennedy, and I sure as heck am confused about "President Elon". He's such a mixed bag, coming out of a fascists background; fathering children by artificial semination; talking about chipping all of our brains. I don't understand why he has been moved forward with so much control. It is a bit unsettling.

I've watched videos of people who have experienced near death episodes, coming back to "warn humanity" that the earth is going to split. That if our vibration isn't high enough, we will not be able to travel to the "approved earth" where life will be bliss. I struggle before God with these things. I believe, or maybe just want to believe, that He is going to cover this earth with His Holy Spirit and eyes will be opened to all the evil... and then we find choice.

I recently experienced a devasting blow from someone I held deeply in my heart as a sister I never had. She was once an Ohana. She sent me a video, which I watched and commented that it was interesting. She went on to say that everyone needs to learn to do their inner work to hasten the goodness. I asked, what if people don't know they need to do inner work? She said, are you saying you don't know how? I responded, no. I was accused of being angry and negative. She went on to send me a whole array of "how to" with the statement, you should know this. And then went on with some deeply hurtful comments. I wasn't reading the entire stream coming at me because I was also fielding texts from an angry daughter. I asked my friend to please stop; that I couldn't handle anything at the moment. She accused me of attacking her. I did nothing wrong. I tried to reach out but was rebuffed. I tried letting her know I was available by letting her know what my week looked at. I was accused of being like an abusing husband, refusing to acknowledge the egregious sin I supposedly had committed. I confess to you all, I feel hurt and angry and am struggling to let it go so it doesn't ride into bitterness. She considers herself "more spiritual" than others. Somehow, in that mindset, she felt obligated to grind me into the ground and then tell me that she didn't want me in her life anymore because my energy wasn't high enough for her.

My daughter is being attacked at work. That story is too long, and probably not even necessary to share anything more than she really needs prayers.

I live in Southern California. The chemtrails have been extreme. I've found that when I'm driving through the pass where I live, somehow the sky feels weird to me these days. The clouds don't seem real, and I'm more and more aware of the "domelike" feeling they bring as they surround the area in a circular fashion. Often it feels unsettling. Today the mountains didn't seem real. It was like they were painted onto a canvas. A defined line above them like the artist forgot to blend them in.

We've been watching the progress of three baby eaglets born to two eagles in the Big Bear area. A snowstorm came through. One didn't make it. I find myself grieving. Lately, seeing anything vulnerable being hurt grinds deeply into me, and I have to work hard to rise above the feelings. Sometimes I feel numb. Life seems to work better that way.

We all have held so closely to the concepts of NESARA and med beds. Yet, we are all struggling beneath the load of the fact that paycheck to paycheck doesn't even cover the ground in between. We have people in our lives in desperate needs of immediate medical intervention and wonder when help is going to arrive. Maybe we are struggling in our own lives with something we are placing before God to heal. We are supposed to have the power to heal - Jesus said so. That power has been taken from us. How do we get it back? If we could get it back, med beds wouldn't be necessary. I truly believe that.

There are days when I wish I could sit down with Trump and really share my heart, ask my questions, and pull on his cheek to see if he is masked or real.

There are days when I wish I could see God in the flesh and pretty much do the same.

I don't feel as connected here as I used to, not as a fault of this group, but of my need to bury my head for a bit to heal from wounds and to try and make some sense of "warnings to mankind" and what is happening in the Trump arena.

I retired last year. It's been an adjustment. I've discovered routine is what keeps us going. Not having one has thrown me into a sense of nonproductivity. I've gone back to school. Took photography last semester. Shared some photos here. No one cared. Taking glass art this semester. At 74, I'm still trying to find my purpose for being here.

There are moments when I feel like I just want to pack up my cats (all six of them - yes, six since the neighbor's cat moved in) and hit the road. Don't know where I'd go. Where I'd stay. What I'd do. Just feeling the need maybe to "run away". Right now my daughter and I live together. She has four kids, two dogs, six cats of her own, and a cranky husband that I'm trying to find peaceful ground with. It's been five years of stress. I just need to find my own place again - just me and my critters. With a garden. Between the mountains and ocean. I'd love to feel safe enough to drive the country's roads to see the things I've longed to see before I die. Yet, I'm so connected as a "home body" that I need a permanent place to feel secure. Then I look at all the destruction that's happening in our country with the storms and fires and realize that we all have that need to have a permanent place to feel secure and how easily it can be removed from us.

At 3:00 every morning, regardless of when I went to bed, I wake up. For several hours I lay there, trying to hear what thoughts are going through my head so I know where to place the prayers and the words to speak against the issues that want to swallow me. It used to be a sweet time with the Lord; then I had a breakdown, and for years believed God no longer wanted me. I'm slowly coming back.

After my friend attacked me, I was ready to throw in the towel. What was the purpose of trying to build relationships when they just end up hurting you? I was driving my grandson home from a gymnastics meet. Very tired. We had to leave very early in the morning, and my sleep had been about two hours worth. I was tired and found myself drifting now and then. Suddenly, I found myself on an offramp. A line of cars ahead of me stopped at the ramp light. I was headed straight into them. I had dozed off. Fortunately, I was able to pull over onto the shoulder and avoid a collision. I'm sure it could have been devasting to many, and even deadly. It would have turned my world upside down in so many ways. Every time I think about it, I realize that God is still there for me. He reached down and shook me awake. It is very humbling.

Perhaps this writing has no continuity or purpose in your eyes. Maybe even in my own. I just know this has always seemed to be a safe place. No one has sought me out in my absence. At the same time, it still feels safe to say so.

I don't know what I thought I was supposed to feel when Trump returned, knowing that he didn't really leave. I don't know what I expected to happen in that moment. A switch flipped? An immediate miracle in my finances? Information sent regarding med beds? I feel a lot like I did when my daughter and I worked really hard at a Tetris game in the early days of gaming. I got through all the levels, expecting some kind of fanfare to show up at the end to make it all worth it. "Congratulations" was all that popped up. I was so devastated. Maybe the expectation was similar, needing something more that "congratulations" when Trump flipped the country and returned to the White House. I didn't expect Trump to return to the White House after all its sordid past with the child molestations and murders that took place there under Obummer and Killery and Bushes and the latest masked man. I thought for sure there would be a new capitol established, for a new country. D.C. isn't even a part of our country. It needs to be returned to the swampland it was before. I just find myself wandering around in my thoughts and feelings, wondering, "is this all there is?" Didn't Peggy Lee sing a song like that in the 60's?

This week I have to file my taxes. I was hoping this was the year when I would get some kind of relief from that burden. I try to save. I'd like to do something special in my life before I die. A trip. Or help out my kids more. Or something. Even in retirement, it is stolen from me. The hope of "the best is yet to come" begins to have an empty ring to it at my age. Will it come? And will I get to see it?

I began cleaning out my half of the garage today. Mounds of stashed food, now so very outdated. It's my fault. I didn't rotate it. Wasted money. Wasted resources. It kind of sums up a lot of things, I think. As I watch houses burn or be ripped up by storms, I wonder, how can you truly prepare for any kind of disaster? Earthquakes have been rumbling through California for several months now. Are they natural, or is something being planned for the rest of us here in the state? Wasn't Los Angeles enough to destroy?

Sometimes I just feel helpless; yet, I know that we are supposed to have the power to speak against the evil being thrown at us. When the winds come, I try to speak to them. Sometimes I think I hear them laughing at me. Faith is so hard to rekindle after a major breakdown. Yet, it's faith that's brought me through. God saved me from a disastrous car accident. He has provided me with a parking place every day I go to class, on the street, off campus, where I don't have to pay. In the middle of the night when I am awake, the light of the full moon spreads across my bed, revealing tiny ears on the fluffy warm bodies that have huddled against me for warmth. There is much to be grateful for, even in the midst of questions and felt disappointments and hurts.

I do weary of all the "intel". I just really want it all to come to fruition. I want to see my daughters well and their dreams come to pass and see my grandchildren step into their dreams before I move on to the next venue. I wonder sometimes just how many lifetimes I have lived and if that is what contributes to the fatigue I feel. There are so many things we really don't know. So many questions I'd like to have answered.

I guess this is my "rant" for the night. If you've made it this far, thank you.

May the words "the best is yet to come" become more than just words in all our lives. And for those hanging on a thread of hope, may the answers to the needs become reality.

Grateful for a place to share my heart.