Let me walk you through this, you're on your little sailboat, enjoying your afternoon, probably just trying to escape diversity or your second divorce, when suddenly a game warden, that’s right, not a cop, not Coast Guard, a glorified park ranger with a badge and a grudge, shows up demanding to perform a “propulsion test.”

Now…here’s the punchline: there’s no wind. Like, zero knots. Trees aren’t moving. Water looks like a mirror. People’s hair? Not even rustling. But she whips out her little government-issued smartphone, because yes, we’re doing science now with iPhone apps, and goes “Actually, it says here there’s 8-9 knots of wind.”

OH! Well thank you, Dr. NOAA! Thank God you’re here with your weather app while standing in the middle of a dead calm harbor! Who needs instruments or reality when you’ve got apps and vibes?

This isn’t about safety. This isn’t about boating. This isn’t even about wind. This is about tyranny via stupidity. It's a soft dictatorship with a...