Let me walk you through this, you're on your little sailboat, enjoying your afternoon, probably just trying to escape diversity or your second divorce, when suddenly a game warden, that’s right, not a cop, not Coast Guard, a glorified park ranger with a badge and a grudge, shows up demanding to perform a “propulsion test.”

Now…here’s the punchline: there’s no wind. Like, zero knots. Trees aren’t moving. Water looks like a mirror. People’s hair? Not even rustling. But she whips out her little government-issued smartphone, because yes, we’re doing science now with iPhone apps, and goes “Actually, it says here there’s 8-9 knots of wind.”

OH! Well thank you, Dr. NOAA! Thank God you’re here with your weather app while standing in the middle of a dead calm harbor! Who needs instruments or reality when you’ve got apps and vibes?

This isn’t about safety. This isn’t about boating. This isn’t even about wind. This is about tyranny via stupidity. It's a soft dictatorship with a lanyard. These people are bullies who never got invited to parties, and now they get to boss you around because a screen told them so.

And let’s be clear: if there was wind, you would feel it. Wind is not an abstract concept. You don’t need a PhD in meteorology to know when your hat blows off. But no, she looks around at the still air, the slack sails, the visibly annoyed cops, and says with a straight face: “My app says there’s wind.”

You know what else her app probably says? That she’s 5’7", has “good energy,” and “loves the ocean.” That doesn’t make it real.

We are now governed by hall monitors in cosplay, people who think compliance equals competence. They don’t think. They scan barcodes. You could show them a picture of a flaming car and they’d say, “Well, the fire app says it’s not burning.”

And if you dare say, “Ma’am, there’s no wind,” she looks at you like you’re the crazy one. Like you’re gaslighting her, and suddenly, you’re the one under investigation for questioning the app, the sacred app.

You get too frustrated? You raise your voice? Boom, disorderly conduct. Try to walk away? Now it’s resisting. What are they testing? Who knows! But if you don’t pass their invisible wind test? You’re a terrorist now.

And all the while the real point is this: “Shut up and know your place.”

That’s what this is. It’s not safety. It’s not data. It’s dominance.
And the worst part?
They’re having fun with it.

Welcome to America 2025, folks. Where the boats don’t move, the wind doesn’t blow, and the government’s still blowing smoke up your $ss.